Domain Manage

Glasgow Games

Discussion in 'General Board' started by aZooZa, Nov 20, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. aZooZa

    aZooZa Well-Known Member Exclusive Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2005
    Posts:
    4,495
    Likes Received:
    92
    As you know, Glasgow has won it's bid to host the Commonwealth Games in

    2014.



    What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make

    up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2014.

    A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.



    OPENING CEREMONY

    The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie

    Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The

    flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the

    roof of the stadium.



    THE EVENTS

    In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been

    particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the

    eventshave been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.



    100 METRES SPRINT

    Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each

    arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released

    from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.



    110 METRES HURDLES

    As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden

    fences, Walls etc)



    HAMMER

    Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use

    (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most

    physical damage within three attempts.



    FENCING

    This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide

    the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in

    Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be

    the one who can leave A & E first.



    SHOOTING

    A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first

    target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will

    aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery

    man.

    The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of

    either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.



    BOXING

    Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will

    take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager

    while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.

    The bout will then commence.



    CYCLING TIME TRIALS

    Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed

    and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first

    trip away from home. All against the clock.



    CYCLING PURSUIT

    As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the

    Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.



    MODERN PENTATHLON

    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,

    under-age drinking and arson.



    SWIMMING EVENTS

    All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is

    found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,

    please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will

    comprise of

    dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific

    musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".



    THE MARATHON

    A safe route has yet to be decided.



    MEN'S 50KM WALK

    Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot

    guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow,

    especially anyone

    that appears to be mincing ...





    THE CLOSING CEREMONY

    Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan

    Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing,

    and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be

    extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch

    invasion by

    confused old firm fans.



    The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break

    into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
     
  2. Domain Forum

    Acorn Domains Elite Member

    Joined:
    1999
    Messages:
    Many
    Likes Received:
    Lots
     
  3. cm1975 United Kingdom

    cm1975 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2007
    Posts:
    3,189
    Likes Received:
    13
    Is it just me, or does this get trotted out and altered slightly whenever there's a large event happening in the UK? London Olympics, Manchester Games, etc. I imagine there's a version of it craved in stone on Mount Olympus!!
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page