Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.” Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything – KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot. My new wig arrived the other day. It’s made of a*sehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off. Question – are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.” Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going. 100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro. I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of boll*cks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station? Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story. I’ve just seen the trailer. Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive. I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme’s called Fact Hunt.