Someone tell me a joke or something

[Blossom]

I'm having a terrible year and I need cheering up. Bad jokes, dirty jokes, cute pictures of animals, anything will do

 

[Aegean]

OK, a topical one...

1963 - Whitney Houston
2012 - Whitney Houstoff

 

[anthony]

Shagged a girl last night who had a plasticine fanny, and i made a fucking big impression on her!

 

[Blossom]

OK, a topical one...

1963 - Whitney Houston
2012 - Whitney Houstoff

That made me chuckle out loud. But it's bad

Shagged a girl last night who had a plasticine fanny, and i made a fucking big impression on her!

Lol

 

[tifosi]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

 

[tifosi]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs

 

[tifosi]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

 

[bensd]

I just made a cheese and pineapple sandwich....

...that's Hawaii roll

 

[Admin]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied....

Anyone want me to guess their birthday?

Admin

 

[vikrantjain22]

Santa had a leakage in roof over the dining.

Plumber asked: Sir when did you notice it?

Santa: Last night when it took me 3 hours to finish my soup...!!

 

[vikrantjain22]

Laws Which Newton Forgot To State:

LAW OF QUEUE: If you change your queue, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

LAW OF WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with : P

 

[vikrantjain22]

...........

 

[BREWSTERS]

I think this has been posted a while go, but its worth doing again...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHx8y1rFjdk

 

[edo]

"That's it!" she stormed, "I can't compete with you and your 80's soft rock music. I'm leaving you. I've met someone new."

"No! Who is it?!" I shouted.

"He's called Tommy and he's not in the least bit obsessed with Bon Jovi!"

"Tommy?" I said, "He used to work on the docks."

 

[PoshTiger]

I went to the gym the other day and told them I wanted to learn how to do the splits...

'How flexible are you' they asked - I said I couldn't do Tuesdays...

 

[max99x]

"I made a new discovery at work today," I said to my wife with a chuckle.

"You've worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke's already wearing thin," she groaned.

 

[Aegean]

Two farmers are chatting in a field.

First farmer: "One of my best cows fell in a big hole yesterday, I had to shoot it"

Second farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"

First farmer: "Of course not, I shot it in the head"

 

[BREWSTERS]

A little boy asked his mum "why have I only got one willy?"

"Thats normal" she said "all men have just one"

"No" he said "Daddy has two, I've seen them...he's got a small one he does wee-wees out of, and a bigger one he uses to clean the Au Pair's teeth!"

 

[Tricky1]

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra?"

"Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist.

"No," he replies, "But I've got a photograph of the wife..."

Frank Carson 'it's the way I tell em'

 

[Nova]

I saw an LCD TV for sale in the local adds the other day, it said "like new, slight fault volume stuck on full, only £20"

I thought, you can't turn that down

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again

I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung.

and a domain related one:

Conjunctivitis.com – Now that’s a site for sore eyes!