Jokes?

[Aaron Clifford]

Anyone got any good ones?

Tea is for mugs.

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

 

[theonemanyuri]

Lol not bad. That Milton Jones fella that's been doing the rounds on Mock the Week is pretty good at one liners.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzDRhphRYjw

 

[aquanuke]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids

'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'


Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?

Everybody won.


What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn


I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'


A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.

His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother.'

 

[dta]

Anyone got any good ones?

Tea is for mugs.

Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got my shelf to blame.

lol - keep em coming please!!

 

[Aaron Clifford]

A G N B: That's bang out of order.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can't wait.

Someone keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight. It's an absolute mystery as to why though. The plot thickens...

 

[expertc]

My fav:

A bird decides not to fly south one winter, thinking he can tough it out. Soon after the first snowfall arrives, he rethinks his plan and heads south anyway alone. It would seem that he left too late, however, because his wings freeze and he must take refuge in a local barn.

Shivering in a pile of hay thinking about how bad his life is, a cow walks by and takes a dump on him. He isn't happy about this but he soon realizes that the cow crap is warming him up. He is so happy about finally being warm, that he chirps. A barn cat hears this chirp, digs him out of the cow pie, and eats him.

There are three morals to this story:
1. Someone who craps on you isn't necessarily your enemy.
2. Someone who digs you out of crap isn't necessarily your friend.
3. If you're in a deep s*it - do NOT chirp!

 

[liam]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

 

[Lee Black]

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him £50 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high"

The crossword-setter for the local rag died last week. They buried him today. Six feet down and four across.

 

[LordBull]

I went to the Doctor's the other day, and she told me to stop masturbating.
"Why is that ?" I asked her
"Because I am examining you" she replied

 

[aquanuke]

I went to the gym yesterday said to the trainer

Which machine would impress that fantastic looking blond over there

he looking at me and said ''try the cash machine outside''

 

[BREWSTERS]

Wow, Tim Vine must've sold a lot of books recently...